In biblical cultures, the celebration of marriage was not a religious rite but a festival of common life involving family, friends, and community. Although Scripture contains some poetry for use in marriage celebrations (Song of Songs, Psalm 45), it does not describe marriage as a religious ceremony. However, in both the Old and New Testaments the institution of marriage is viewed as sacramental, as a symbol of the relationship between the Lord and the covenant community.
Christ’s Headship in the Marriage Covenant
The covenant of marriage is a mutual commitment not only to create a life of equal partnership but also to nurture and sustain. When a man and a woman covenant in Christian marriage, therefore, they commit themselves mutually to create rules of behavior that will nurture and sustain the marriage resulting from their covenant. For committed Christians, those rules are found by paying careful attention to their tradition.
The letter to the Ephesians provides scriptural rules for the living out of the marriage covenant. Its writer inherits a list of household duties traditional in the time and place. He critiques the cultural assumption of inequality in this list and instructs all Christians to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). This critique challenges the absolute authority of any one Christian group over another, of husbands over wives for instance. It establishes as the basic attitude required of all Christians, even in marriage, an awe of Christ and a giving way to one another because of this.
As all Christians are to give way one to another, it is hardly surprising that a wife is to give way to her husband, “as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). There is a surprise, however, in the instruction given to husbands, at least for those husbands who see themselves as lord and master of their wives and who appeal to the letter to the Ephesians to support this perspective. The instruction is not that the husband is the head of the wife, which is the preferred male reading, but that “the husband is the head of the wife as [that is, in the same way as] Christ is the head of the church” (Eph. 5:23). How does Christ act as head of the church? The writer answers: “[He] gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). It is an echo of a self-description that Jesus offers in Mark’s gospel: “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45).
The Christ-way to exercise authority is to serve. Jesus constantly pointed out to his power-hungry disciples that in his kingdom a leader is one who serves (Luke 22:26). A husband who wishes to be head over his wife, or a wife who wishes to be head over her husband, in the way that Christ is head over the church, will be head by serving, by giving himself or herself up for the other.
Christlike headship is not absolute control of another human being. It is not making decisions and passing them on to another to be carried out. It is not reducing another human being to the status of chattel. To be head as Christ is head is to serve. The Christian head is called always to be the servant of others. As Markus Barth says beautifully, the Christian husband-head becomes “the first servant of his wife” (Ephesians: Translation and Commentary on Chapters 4–6 [Garden City, NY: Doubleday, 1974], p. 618), and she becomes his first servant. One rule of behavior for the nurturing and sustaining of the covenant of Christian marriage is the rule of mutual service.
The letter to the Ephesians embraces another rule for behavior in Christian marriage, a great Jewish and Christian commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18; Mark 12:31). Husbands are instructed that they “ought to love their wives as [or, for they are] their own bodies” (Eph. 5:28), and that the husband “who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph. 5:28). We can assume the same instruction is intended also for a wife. The Torah and gospel injunction to love one’s neighbor as oneself applies in Christian marriage. As all Christians are to give way to one another and to love one another so also are the spouses in a Christian marriage. The rules of Christian behavior that will respect, nurture, and sustain the covenant and the community of marriage are easy to articulate: love of one’s neighbor-spouse as oneself, love that is giving way, love that is mutual service, love that is abiding.
A Christian marriage is not just a wedding ceremony to be celebrated. It is also a loving and equal partnership of life to be lived. When they covenant in marriage, Christian spouses commit themselves to explore together in their married life the religious depth of their existence and to respond to that depth in light of the Christian faith.
Discipleship in Christian Marriage
One of the most central affirmations of the Christian faith is the affirmation of discipleship. A disciple is an ever-present New Testament word, occurring some 250 times throughout the Gospels and Acts and always implying response to a call from the Lord. By definition disciples are learners, and the disciples of Christ are learners of mystery. They gather to explore together a triple mystery: the mystery of the one God who loves them and seeks to be loved by them; the mystery of the Christ in whom this God is revealed and whom God raised from the dead (1 Cor. 15:4; Acts 2:24); the mystery of the church in which they gather and which is the body of Christ (Eph. 1:22–23; Col. 1:18, 24). Spouses in a covenant marriage are called to be disciples of these mysteries and of their implications for their married life together.
Christian marriage does not separate spouses from life. It immerses them in life and confronts them with the ultimate questions of life and of death that are the stuff of religion. There are questions of joy in love and loving and the birth of new life; of pain in illness and suffering and alienation; of grief and fear in loneliness and isolation and death; of happiness in friends and beauty and success. Marriage demands that sense be made of these competing questions and many others like them. Christian marriage demands that sense be made of them in light of the shared Christian faith of the spouses.
As they find together adequate responses to the demands their married life imposes on them, Christian spouses mutually nurture one another into Christian discipleship. They learn together and they grow together in Christian maturity. The more they mature, the more they come to realize the ongoing nature of becoming married and of becoming a covenant sign. They come to realize that, though their marriage is already a sign of the covenant between Christ and his church, it is not yet the best sign it can be and is called to be. In Christian marriage, which is a life of ongoing Christian discipleship, even more than in secular marriage, the answer to the question of when two people are married is simple: thirty, forty, even fifty years later.
Christian Marriage As Sacrament
Religions are always on the lookout for the images of God and of God’s relationship to the human world. In the Jewish prophets, we find an action image, known as the prophetic symbol. Jeremiah, for instance, buys an earthen pot, dashes it to the ground before a puzzled crowd, and explains to them what it is he is doing. “This is what the Lord Almighty says: I will smash this nation and this city just as this potter’s jar is smashed” (Jer. 19:11).
The prophet clarifies the radical meaning of his actions, which clarifies the radical meaning of a prophetic symbol. As Jeremiah shattered his pot, so God shatters Jerusalem. The depth, meaning, and reality symbolized by Jeremiah is not the shattering of a cheap pot but the shattering of Jerusalem and of the covenant relationship between Yahweh and Yahweh’s people. The prophetic symbol is a representative action, that is, an action that proclaims makes explicit, and celebrates in representation some other, more fundamentally meaningful reality.
Since the idea of their special relationship to Yahweh arising out of their mutual covenant was so central to the self-understanding of the Israelites, it is easy to predict that they would search out a human reality to symbolize the covenant relationship. It is equally easy, perhaps, to predict that the reality they would choose is the mutual covenant that is marriage. The prophet Hosea was the first to act in and speak of marriage as the prophetic symbol of the covenant.
At a superficial level, the marriage of Hosea and Gomer was like many other marriages. But at a deeper level, Hosea interpreted it as a prophetic symbol, proclaiming, making humanly explicit, and celebrating in representation, the covenant union between Yahweh and Israel. As Gomer left Hosea for other lovers, so also did Israel leave Yahweh for other gods. As Hosea waited for Gomer to return to him, and as he took her back without recrimination when she did return, so also did Yahweh with Israel. Hosea’s human action is a prophetic symbol, a representative image, of God’s divine action, an abiding love despite every provocation. In both covenants, the human and the divine, the covenant relationship had been violated. But Hosea’s action both mirrors and reveals Yahweh’s abiding love. It proclaims, makes explicit, and celebrates not only Hosea’s faithfulness to his marriage covenant but also Yahweh’s faithfulness to Israel.
One basic meaning about Hosea and Yahweh is clear: Each is steadfastly faithful. There is also a clear, if mysterious, meaning about marriage. Besides being a universal human institution, it is also a religious and prophetic symbol proclaiming, making explicit, and celebrating in the human world the abiding union of Yahweh and Yahweh’s people. Lived into this perspective, living into faith as we might say today, marriage becomes a two-tiered reality. On one level it bespeaks the mutual covenant love of this man and this woman; on another, it represents and symbolizes the covenant love of Yahweh and Yahweh’s people. First articulated by the prophet Hosea, this two-tiered view of marriage becomes the Christian view of marriage that we have found in the letter to the Ephesians. Jewish prophetic symbol becomes ultimately Christian sacrament, through which the church, the body of Christ, proclaims, makes explicit, and celebrates in representation that presence and action of God which is called grace.
To say that Christian marriage is a sacrament is to say that it is a prophetic symbol, a reality that has two tiers. On one tier it proclaims and makes explicit and celebrates the intimate community of life and love between a Christian man and a Christian woman. On another deeper tier, the religious and symbolic tier, it proclaims and makes explicit and celebrates the intimate community of life and love between Yahweh and Yahweh’s people and between Christ and Christ’s people, the church.